Thank you for my "57th" epiphany

I published this post a couple of weeks ago then deleted it. My son, Ty, wondered why. Too revealing, I'd decided. (Wanting to confront fears - read below - and doing it are two different things.) Anyway, Ty, I've reviewed this post and you're right. I need to practice what I've learned, what I preached -to face fears. This time it's the fear of being seen as I really am. For better (I hope, I hope) or worse here goes:

"epiphany n, 3 a (1) : a usu. sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usu. simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery.

hmmm. . . Is there such a thing as epiphanal 'set theory', in which not one single event but a set of unrelated revealing events, overlapping in the right proximity, time and intensity, suddenly illuminates an unrecognized reality or truth? I believe so (and it probably has a mathematical equation).

A set of simple unrelated events:

- My 57th birthday was this March 27th. It was a time to review. The assessment: I went around and around the board last year, collecting $200 as I passed 'GO'. I used my 'Get out of Jail Free' card, but I couldn't make up my mind whether to buy or sell, build houses or hotels. So I just went in circles with little to show for it in the end.

- BYU Student Development 100, " . .students should enlarge their intellects by developing skills, breadth, and depth." A dilemma: I love breadth-learning the basics of everything (going around the board). I resist depth (learning the strategies of successfully applying yourself to the nitty-gritty of the game). The old truth from my freshman days raises its ugly heads - I'm often afraid and I can be lazy; afraid of not being able to grasp the depths and too lazy to put forth the effort grasping might take.

- A conversation with my husband

Becky: "I don't need to work, so I don't really need a college degree. I can learn by reading

books on my own. School is taking time away from the family. I'm not sure I'm going to

continue."

Eric: "Stay in school and get your degree."

-Megs and Ty started blogging. I love their creativity and what a meaningful way to stay in touch. So Megs helped me set up a blog. Oh, my golly! I love this! I want to learn everything there is to know about blogging! (Like how to get the spacing to stay like I type it - grrrr.)

- BYU finals. As I finished my finals the reality settled on me that university work is so demanding that I'll kick myself forever if I invest time, effort and money in a degree that has no marketable skills.

-Blogger inspiration. This week I found Marty (TravelinOma) and her writing had a profound effect on me. She's straight-forward, readable, insightful, honest, revealing. Most notably her blog created no envy, but a genuine desire to learn what she has learned about writing. That's a trait to emulate.

- A memory. Friends expressed regret once I moved home from Amman, Jordan that they'd no longer be able to experience the mystery of foreign countries via my email journal. Allan, who had me email my travelogues to his office lamented, "I read your emails at work as soon as they came. Now that you're back home are you going to keep writing something we can read?" (Amazing anyone feels that way.)

- Well-educated women. Jean, Pam and I discussed the dilemmas of figuring out what to do with the rest of life once the children are grown and gone from home. That evolved into talk of enjoyments to be had during this stage of life, which evolved into a rather intellectual discussion of religious vs. non-religious fiction. I settled back to listen, a bit in awe of these intelligent, well-read women that I enjoy and appreciate so much. I don't remember their conclusions, but I left with two distinct impressions - I love being around well-educated women and I want to be one myself.

Those impressions were the final variables in my epiphanal equation. The switch was flipped, the power flowed, the light went on. The truth: I'm tired of doubt and fear. I’m tired of watching as others really play the game. It's time to slay the two-headed dragon; no more equivocating about taking on challenges, like college; no more worrying about the ability to succeed at difficult things. I need to stay in school and apply myself. Why not learn to do well what I've come to recognize I love - writing! I'll be stretched, but I'll learn to think. I'll learn to communicate. And writing's marketable! I'm suddenly excited to dig in 'deep' and develop skills that will suit me to contribute to all of life's purposes (still love breadth :).

Why didn't this all come to me sooner? The stars weren't aligned, pieces of the puzzle were missing, all my ducks weren't in a row? However you want to say it, finally after 40 years, I'm getting it; fears are being faced. It feels good. I have a renewed zest for life."

Since I first wrote this post I have changed my university major to 'writing' and enrolled in my fall classes. From the bottom of my heart I say "thank you" to each of you who played a part in my "57th" epiphany.